Getting to the heart of the matter!

Sometime things lurk deep down in our soul. We think we have things figure out but there always a flashback that will bring us back to reality. Many times I question myself as to why bad things keep happening to me. Maybe I’m a bad person or maybe I ask for it and I must have certainly done something to deserve this. I always felt guilty by association, just knowing about it made me feel bad. I sometime tend to run away from the problem even thought I speak up just to be told to shut up sort of speak and still I stay and take the abuse. I always tend to wait till things get so bad that I feel like a cage animal and try to break free. I started asking myself some very serious question like why do I keep getting in these pattern of getting in a toxic relationship where I let people take advantage of me the way they do. Even though I stand up for myself is like they have this power or control over me that paralyze and put a deep fear in me. I refuse to participate in an abusive exploitative situation any longer and I really had to find out why this keeps happening.
Then it hit me, it’s like an addiction a chronic disease and become a way of life and accept it, how else can I explain my rational and put up with what my doctor did this past year and still am. The tormentor and abuser uses their authority and charm to attract you and then when they hurt you they say sorry, I forgive them then they convince you that somehow it’s your fault, you ask for it and no one will believe you and feed on this. In my case the fear was in stall in me at the age of 5 and then I grew up thinking that I will never accept any kind of abuse again and never let it happen and bang it does and it manifest in so many different way. Either it verbal, mental or physical or all of them combines there are big scars that sometime take a long time to heal and very hard to come to term with.
But recognizing the symptom and able to correct them are two different thing it takes time and in my case it took me this long to finally figure out that as long as I hang on to misery, misery will follow me and now has become a addiction. It becomes an embarrassment and humiliation to try to justify my doctor conduct to other and realize how bad it looks in the eyes of some other skeptic doctor. I think what really gave me hope is that I had a few doctors that believe in me and took me serious and that was enough to raise my confidence and knowing that whatever I decide I will be OK. Letting go of my family doctor is the best thing I can do for myself if I really want to move forward and make a clean break! It will be hard to try and start anew with another family physician and I guess that is what was agonizing so much for me is to have to find someone new and then learn about my health history all over again, so much better with someone you know. Comfort and stability is not always the best alternative and I see that now. But when that person humiliate you and becomes an embarrassment and you don’t feel comfortable in his presence and lost confidence in his ability to deal with my health without prejudice, it’s time to cut the string that he have been pulling me from. It has been a long time coming now let’s hope that I don’t fall into that trap and pattern again and will make it my New Year resolution. As I said it had become an addiction but one that I must overcome, not saying it going to be easy just need to look for warning sign and try not to trip up again. Being more aware of my weakness will keep me awake with my eyes wide open.
I am not looking for sympathy for I know that whatever befell on me it was not of my doing and did not initiate it. But what I am guilty of is being too forgiven and trusting, letting people charm there way back into my life and then ripping it piece by piece while I stand by and let them do it over and over again until I can’t literally deal with my conscious and start blocking and go in denial until I can’t block no more and everything come crashing down and reality sets in. Then I start again to ask myself some hard questions and every time I discover something new about myself!! I wonder if I am only scratching the surface of my conscious.
What do I need to work on to make sure I don’t fall back into the same trap? Why can I never fully forgive myself for putting myself in compromising and difficult situations? Why do I even try to justify or defend my action if I take only half action? In one way I do stand up for myself but it’s my inability to walk away and accept that no matter what I say or do I can’t change or modify how another person think and feel. Gullible I once was and I intend to work toward correcting that flaw. I forgive then keep going for more. To be honest my biggest flaw is that I don’t like changes and rather avoid conflict at all cost and I see where it got me to date. The funny part is that when I regain a bit of strength then they really see that I am not as stupid as they though I was. I have my weakness but they always underestimate how strong will I can be. I have to take responsibility for my action and can’t blame anyone but myself
Break free from the past and make a clean break so I can really say and without conviction that I am truly moving forward.
I still believe there all lots of honest good people out there but I’m also aware of the evil that is lurking in the dark waiting to feed on your fear and insecurity. And that is the one that I must break free from and avoid in the future!!!! I still have a long way to go but I think I am heading in the right direction. It might not heal me but will surely feel more liberate
As you all know I have tried many times and fail to get my medical records from my family doctor, every time he misleads me. Here is the step I already took.
My first step to breaking free was to write a letter of intent and demanding that he release all of my medical files of the past year,
Step 2 Went to City Hall and got it witness and notarize
Step 3 I hand delivered it to my doctor,
Here is part copy of said letter dated,.
Dec22/2009

Request to release Lise Latulippe personal medical files.

After 3 attempts to get a copy of my medical records and being mislead I Lise Latulippe hereby request that Dr S. immediately release to me personally copies of all my medicals files including all correspondences, tests, comments and notes including his and the one sent by second and third party dating from December 7/2008 to December 22/2009. I have lost all confidence and faith in Dr S. ability to handle my health without prejudice and no longer can stay in his care knowing that Dr S. doesn’t believe in my ability to tell the truth.





Lise Latulippe

Signature__________________ Date sign_________________

Witness___________________ Date sign_________________

............................................................................
Also as you all know I have seen the neurologist that specializes in BOTOX yesterday. He is top notch in this field. I have told him everything that has been happening to me and got some encouraging news. Even though they where no reports of what is happening to me ever occurred before he assure me that he will talk to the BOTOX company and the FDA to see if anyone ever been through what I am experience. I guess what they have a hard time understanding is my freeze/defreeze state which can be confusing, which is why I took some pictures this way I can explain it better.
Also last month I left nothing to chance and got so tired of being stonewall that I took it upon myself to write to the FDA about my symptoms and see if anyone ever experience these side effects and reactions. I know that it will take some time to get an answer but at least I am moving in the right direction. Also I am giving my family doctor one last chance to give me my full medical records which he hasn’t done yet. He has been very selective in what he gave me and that won’t do, I told him that what he gave me is BS and what I wanted was all of my files. Also we have been trying to get my files from the pain clinic four times with no result so I give my doctor a number for him to call the College of Physician and that they would reinforce them to give him my files. That was 3 months ago. But he is reluctant or refuses to do so. He was shock to get that order; he will be more surprise when I reinforce it. I have been more than patient with him, but I must admit it is wearing thin at this point and had to take action.
I feel I am at a crucial part of my life and not knowing from one day to the next what is going to happen to me, the last thing I need is a doctor that has no interest in finding out what is happening with me or wants to be there after the facts. As they say action speak louder than words. Pretty pathetic when you have to fight to get your medical files and have to take drastic measure. If there is nothing to hide why not release them? Reminds me of lyrics from a song I use to listen to all the time from Carly Simon and it goes like this “I can feel the earth move under my feet”!! Can you feel it? J
Have a Wicked day!!